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i had sometimes considered the possibility of running into tim rogers during my visits to ny. when i first visited a year ago, it felt like an inevitability despite the massive scale of the city. after a few visits though i had mostly given up the thought - what would i even say to him? over the years since i first learned of him in the early days of 2021, i initially found myself obsessed with him. i saw something aspirational in his style and way of thinking. as time grew on, my parasocial awareness of him and his quirks grew to become perhaps too much. watching his little-viewed video blogs from the early 2010s . hearing his tossed off thoughts. learning that most people probably thought he was an unmanageable asshole and feeling like i knew him well enough to know why. during my most recent ny trip, i learn that tim will probably be at a screening i was going to attend. the japan society was screening ishii’s august in the water. i had seen it a couple years ago and enjoyed it - despite my initial concerns of it being highly lauded by film circles who i often deride as overindulging in screenshotcore. yet, i found myself enamored with its aimless pace, reverential nature, cosmic fixations. after my year or so of filmmaking with similar concepts, i felt primed to go back to this film and see if it still resonated. or if, perhaps, it was actually a hack film or, perhaps, i was a hack. maybe both. plus there was the added layer of tim’s presence at the screening. i had been something of a missionary for his work to my friends. making multiple conversions . many people began to associate tim with me. even one saying that they thought of us as a similar presence. and perhaps that is why i was drawn to him. but like all fabricated relationships i found my fascination curdling. his quirks became annoyances and at one point i legitimately felt betrayed by him during a strangely personal misunderstanding. i had to draw myself away. and i did. i eventually came back to him with a healthier mind and have more or less had a normal relationship with his work since. now, i probably would struggle to sit through his lengthy video work. but there is something about feeling the need to meet these magical imaginary people. even though i am conscious of the awkwardness - or maybe even inappropriateness - of that desire. i remember several years ago, during a lonely few months, having a similar reaction to another person i followed online. i found myself getting frustrated that i would never meet them. that even if i did meet them in person they would just say hi and walk off. yet i continued following them for much much longer than i should’ve out of some kind of longing for a connection. with tim, it was different. i legitimately felt inspired by him. the combination of watching and reading his work helped push me to make something of myself creatively. i didn’t want to be his friend necessarily. i wanted to actually be like him. maybe i already was like him? i see tim at the screening on the other side of the theater. i stare. shamelessly. someone that meant so much to me is here. and he doesn’t know me at all. which is fine. but should i change that? or risk having an unforgettably bad experience? when the movie ends, i wait outside with daniella. i begin to feel self conscious. i sense daniella, who initially is encouraging me to talk with tim, has noticed my nerves. perhaps i begin to look a bit scary. like a stranger that does not mean well. in these moments, there seems to be a glass in between me and the world . it seems unbreakable. and perhaps, for me, it almost always is. though i’ve broken it a few times. when i look or interact with a stranger i respect, they seem worried. what laws do i have to follow to make these interactions work? or is it my desire for laws that paralyzes me before i start. my fear transforms a potentially friendly encounter into something uncomfortable that needs to be escaped. unapproachable. which is perhaps my big flaw. except whenever i drink. and my nerves leave me and people seem to magically become part of my life for years. i suppose that is one of the unique things about meeting daniella is that i was fully sober. did she see something in me that no one else does? i make brief eye contact with tim and he makes an ambiguous expression. i decide against bothering him. we walk home. |
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